


speak now or forever hold your peace

by Everybodylostsomebody



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: A little bit of angst, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, fake dating au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2020-10-11 01:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20538011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everybodylostsomebody/pseuds/Everybodylostsomebody
Summary: Shane and Ryan, hopelessly crushing on each other but refusing to say anything about it and oblivious to the other’s feelings, go to a wedding out of state. They pretend to be dating through the bachelor party, ceremony, and reception. because i like fake dating AUs, drunken confessions, and also weddings





	1. devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

Shane has two days before the wedding and he isn’t even sure he wants to go. He slouches in his leather computer chair, fanning himself with the RSVP card he got 6 months ago and never took home. Opening and closing and re-reading the words on the card was supposed to help him make a decision, but the more he searched for hidden meaning in the flowery script, the less he found. Even his ex-girlfriend’s sweet, smiling face on the front, holding hands with her newest toy, seemed devoid of evil intention: an odd thing coming from Evelyn.

Shane wondered if Evelyn had finally found true love, and she just wanted Shane to see it and know that she was healing. Or maybe she just wanted to make sure Shane knew that she was chaining herself to one of Shane’s good friends in order to ruin him, in a final attention-grabbing desperate plea for Shane’s affection. That sounded more like her.

Shane clenched his jaw and fiddled with the cardstock, a sigh escaping his lungs as he pretended to look through Instagram for comments to feature on the next Postmortem. So many questions didn’t even make sense; they were just garbled youtube teenager banter that boiled down to “ur mom gay.” And on any other day he could easily indulge and even encourage the stupid, it was just that today was proving difficult. He checked the time to monitor how many hours he had left till his lunch break, lounging further in his chair and rocking it back and forth in a way that probably wasn’t intended by the manufacturer.

“Hey, big guy.”

Shane blinked and looked up from his hands as if he was awakening from a deep sleep. His eyes rested on Ryan, in a comfortable gray hoodie with purposefully-messy hair. Shane felt some type of way about that hairstyle, and made a note to tease him about it later. “Yeah, Ry?”

Ryan Bergara was in a mood to get things done, and Shane could tell just from his posture. “So, I’m planning on filming the postmortem after lunch. You wanna grab something to eat real quick? And we can like, talk about some of the points we want to hit in the video.” Ryan eyed the postcard in Shane’s hand, which Shane had still not set down.

“Yeah! Yeah, uh, sure! Lets grab some grub,” Shane smacked down the RSVP card and stood up, patting the back of his jeans for his wallet. “The usual spot?”  
_________

The Wendy’s by their studio was a place that Shane and Ryan had shared so many moments together. It was there, over lunch, that Shane told Ryan he didn’t believe in ghosts. It was there that Ryan proposed a second season of Unsolved. And today, it was where Shane was eating a double cheeseburger.

“Oh, and also,” Ryan took a sip of his drink. “We might have money in the budget to get a better spirit box.” Shane seemed unaffected at first, so Ryan continued: “The one I’m looking at is actually really quiet, so— so you won’t have to hear the _ KSSH KSSCH KSSH KSSSH _ anymore when it switches channels.”

“Ah!” Shane’s eyebrows shot up, and he swallowed his burger excitedly. “How quiet is it? I am assuming— you know I’m kind of assuming it’s just silent, because, you know.” He took another bite, and continued talking anyway. ”Not real and all.”

Ryan steadied himself, closing his eyes and breathing out deeply, as he forces down a smile. “No, of course, it’s not _ silent _ it just doesn’t announce that it’s switching channels, it just, it just acts as a conduit and doesnt make sound unless it picks up on something.”

“Ryan, this sounds like someone is selling you a broken radio.”

“It is not—“ Ryan’s face was turning red, but he was smiling.

“Like just a, somebody’s speaker broke and they bought it for a lot of money so they were just like hmm, ah, how can I repackage this? Ghost hunters.”

Ryan laughed, a short one, but deep enough to make Shane feel a little proud. One of the joys of Shane’s life lately was making Ryan laugh, partly because it was easy to do and it boosted his ego. But the bigger reason was that every time Shane walked by Ryan’s desk these past few days, a purple tint was aggressively deepening under his eyes. He wasn’t sure if it was stress from the show or stress from his personal life stealing Ryan’s late nights, but he knew Ryan wasn’t feeling his best and Shane couldn’t have that.

“Look, okay, we don’t have to get the new box, I just thought since you whined so much about it hurting your sensitive ears...” Ryan grinned.

“Hey hey hey I do not whine and they are not s— I think that sound would hurt anybody’s ears, it’s a reasonable complaint!” Shane wasn’t all that phased by the jab, but he knew the more indignant he made it, the more Ryan would enjoy it. And he was right, Ryan’s laugh was smug and satisfied. “No, that’s great bud, go ahead and go nuts. It’ll probably be easier on the viewers ‘s ears too.”

Ryan dug at his baked potato and Shane munched on a burger, both intermittently scrolling on their phones. Shane found a couple good questions on instagram and screenshotted them. Ryan clearing his throat broke Shane’s train of thought. “Hey, what’s going on with that Save the Date card?” Shane briefly feigned ignorance, hoping Ryan would give up, but of course he wouldn’t. “I mean, if you’re not inviting me to your secret wedding, I’m a little offended.”

“It’s...” Shane sucked his teeth. “Complicated. So, um,” he pinched the bridge of his nose. “My ex-girlfriend is getting married.”

“Oh. And she invited you?”  
“Well. No. Her fiancé did. That’s how I found out she was marrying my old best friend.”  
_ “Oh.” _  
“Yeah. So, here’s the thing: I kind of still want to support him, but also, she—“ he leaned in close. “Well, okay, let’s just say she’s exactly the kind of person who would date an ex’s close friend, just to be petty, and just to get me back. And she knows I’ve been single. So if I go, I have no out for why I can’t immediately be with her and I have to awkwardly dodge her all night when she’s _ the bride. _ But if I don’t go, I’m being a dick to an old pal I really do care about.”

Ryan considered this. “So take a date. You’re allowed a plus one, right?”

“Yeah, I am, but all the wells are dry.”

“Look, dude, if it means that much to you, I’ll go with you. It’s this weekend, right?”

Shane’s breath halted. That hadn’t been what he was looking for, but he guessed any excuse to hang around with Ryan would be a good one. “It’s Saturday, but I got invited to the bachelor party Friday night, and it’s at— well, let me just drive you there, it’ll be easier that way, but it’s definitely going to be a couple hours. Like, three of ‘em at least. A good country mile out.”

Ryan didn’t even blink. “So we’re leaving straight from work tomorrow?” Something about the determination and matter-of-fact tone Ryan was taking endeared him to Shane. His eyes looked so sincere and delicate, framed by his long lashes. Making plans like this felt oddly intimate.

“We— this would require us pretending to be dating, though, in order to really work. Are you seriously okay with that? All weekend? I’m just saying, this is a pretty big undertaking, and I don’t expect—“

“Dude. I’m not giving you a kidney.” Ryan laughed. “I’m talking to people I’ve never met and will likely never see again. I love that! Also, I love weddings, and you know that— plus, oh, you’re telling me there’s gonna be a bachelor party too? Dude, this is really going to be a fun time. Don’t even worry about it. I’ll see you tomorrow, man. I’ll be packed and everything. Text me what the weather will be like.” Ryan slung his backpack over his shoulder and gathered his trash.

Shane waved, shoved some fries in his mouth, and pulled out his phone but did not look at anything on the screen. He should have known Ryan would love any excuse to go to a wedding, because Shane had memorized every inch of that man over the course of their friendship. Shane knew when Ryan worked out too hard the night before, when he was itching to leave an awkward conversation, and when he was dating someone new. He hadn’t meant to create the Library of Ryan in his brain but he couldn’t help noticing all the small things about him, like that he wore that same gray hoodie three times this week but spaced out the days hoping no one would notice. A smirk crept over Shane’s face just thinking about it. He didn’t get why Ryan would even try to hide something like that, not just because it’s silly, but also because that hoodie looked so good on him. It was just loose enough that it showed his collarbones, and Shane always thought about how— er, well. Shane always thought about staying in his lane and being best friends, that’s all. It’s not that weird to think about kissing the collarbone of one of your best guy friends, because that’s just what everyone thinks of when they see an exposed collarbone, right?.. Right? Besides, that would be sort of.... and Shane was..

Well? Shane hasn’t been sure lately. He recalled a few instances in childhood where he had a sort of unhealthy attachment to He-Man. And the black power ranger. And Steve from first grade. Did crushes on boys feel different from crushes on girls? Crushes on girls felt so fluttery and soft and clumsy and this felt more like ... well, hm, now that he thought of it, a lot of the same.

Shane sighed and closed some apps on his phone, not wanting to think about this anymore, then headed out the door.


	2. you’re right, I want it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the road trip portion. shane and ryan make sure their fake relationship sounds plausible.

“You can still chicken out,” Shane said offhandedly, playing tetris with his luggage. 

“I’d rather chicken IN,” Ryan said, and when Shane looked up at him, clarified: “to some.. like chow down on chicken. At the reception. Will they have chicken?”

“I have no idea what they have. The RSVP didn’t have any food options to check off. Also, I never turned in the RSVP.” When Ryan raised his eyebrows, Shane clarified: “I did text my buddy though, and he said food arrangements shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Good!” Ryan yelled out the rolled-down window, pulling his seatbelt over his shoulder. “Thought I was going to have to punch you for depriving me of free food!”

Shane slammed the trunk shut, slung open the door, and landed in the seat. “No need. All square.” Shane pulled on his seatbelt and took a shaky breath. “Hey, man, thanks again for doing this, I really appreciate it.”

Ryan grinned, already digging into a pack of road-trip Reese’s he’d procured from his basketball shorts. He offered one to Shane. “All I have to do is pretend to like you for a weekend. I do that on camera all the time.” 

Shane raised his eyebrows, mock-offended, and started the car anyway. ”Excuse you, I am a catch. Anyone would be lucky to have me.” He opened the GPS on his phone, started a route, and scrolled through his Spotify for something to listen to. “You know, now that I’m thinking about it, you should be thanking ME for the privilege to pretend to be my boyfriend.” 

“I think between the two of us it’s clear who’s dating up.”

“Interesting how you say that, little guy.” 

“What? Like obviously you have that trademark toothpaste commercial smile but I work out like EVERY d—“

“No, oh my god dude, like, up. Like dating up. Because you’re short.”

“Oh what EVER,” Ryan rolled his eyes and plugged his phone into the charging port. “Oh, before I forget— I made us a road trip playlist between takes today.“ 

“Oh! Perfect! Well, why don’t ya pop that bad boy in.” 

——  
The boys keep up idle chitchat with nondescript chillhop in the background for about twenty minutes, pointing out road signs and asking if one or the other has been to a restaurant on the road they’re taking. Once they take the highway exit, Ryan jumps in his seat to readjust toward Shane, and says “Okay. let’s get our stories straight. Where did we meet?”

“Oh, for tonight?” Shane has a feeling this conversation is going to make him feel things that he does not want to feel. “Well I think— uhm, I think the less complicated we make it, the better, right? So just, like, at work is fine. I can remember Buzzfeed.”

“All right!” Ryan is scratching his chin and closing his eyes, completely in storyteller mode. “Classic workplace romance. The Jim and Pam kind of story always goes over really well. When did you first know you liked me?” 

Forgetting the context of the question, Shane’s brain briefly went fuzzy. He swallowed, redirecting. “When we started working together, on BU.” He pauses, then quickly adds: “It makes sense to, you know, because that’s when we started spending more time together.”

“Ok, ok, ok,” Ryan settles back in his seat, sinking into the idea. Hands behind his head, man-spreading and reclining, he asks with a cocky smirk: “So have we been dating that long or did you sit on your hands for three years working up the courage to ask me out?” 

Shane’s eyebrows shoot up, simultaneously hurt and flustered. “Hey, whoa, hey, who says I asked you out? As if you wouldn’t see this ... tall drink of water and and immediately want to take me to dinner.”

Ryan laughs, but he feels his own temperature rise. He readjusts, putting his hands back on the armrests. “Okay, so then I ask you out, probably a couple months after working together. Let’s say I take you to, uh, that froyo place on Main after work one day—”

“Ohh, the one with frog out front? I love that place! We should go there if we have time on the way back, honestly, it is an absolute delight. They have these cute little dispensers that look like a frog vomiting out the yogurt! We’ll say that’s where I find out I love that place.” Shane’s a little proud he’s able to keep himself from fluttering out of the sunroof while talking about this. Teasing a first date idea is too much. It feels like planning for something wonderful that you’ll never see; it feels simultaneously like planning a wedding but also like planning a funeral.

“That is ... yeah, that checks out. When did we know we wanted to be in a relationship? What about that date was so special?”

Someone cuts Shane off while he’s trying to change lanes. He can’t tell whether it’s that or the topic at hand that’s making his heart race. “I don’t- I don’t know, I’m immediately, I don’t know, smitten by your sports talk? We like the same kind of yogurt?” 

“The yogurt thing— that’s actually a good angle, hold on,” Ryan leans back in his seat. “Let’s say that we keep hanging out at the frozen yogurt place after work. Let’s say we both find out our favorite is— what’s your favorite?”

“Mint chocolate.”

“Mint chocolate,” Ryan continues, “We have this big conversation about how nobody else gets how good it is—”

“Nobody _ does,” _ Shane interjects.

“—and then we just sort of get to talking about work, and bantering like we do, and we end up falling in love. Sound good?”

It does sound good to Shane, in more ways than Ryan knows. But in stereotypical Shane fashion, he uses humor to deflect a topic that makes him nervous. “I mean, yeah, but it uh... seems a little sterile for an origin story. Where’s the passion? The pizzazz? When do you show up at my window with a boombox in the rain? I demand to be _romanced!“_

Ryan could not roll his eyes harder. “God, you’re so high-maintenance. It’s cuter if we fall in love a little at a time instead if all at once.” But then his voice moves softer, more genuine. “Grand gestures come after falling in love, anyway.” His eyes are far away, deep in thought as he holds his chin. A minute passes, the sound of wind against the car drowning out their music. “Okay, I got it. What if I hear you offhandedly mention a tinder date in the break room, realize you thought we were just getting froyo as friends, and I get so jealous I forcefully pull you aside to like, a janitor’s closet, and confess right there?” It’s purposeful that Ryan doesn’t say that this scenario is based on lived experience, and that he doesn’t add how many times he’d overheard that Shane was going on a date and wanted to beg him not to go. He doesn’t say how long he’s rehearsed what his word choice would be.

Shane goes with it. “And it turns out I thought you were straight the whole time, and we make out, and it’s really slobbery and gross because you’ve never kissed a guy before—“

“I’ve kissed a guy before.” Ryan’s words hang in the air while Shane pushes hope back down his throat and swallows it like medicine. Ryan continues, “Also, I am good at kissing guys, it is not that different from kissing girls.” Ryan’s nerves are starting to eat at him, thinking his prodding and storytelling made him show his hand. So he doesn’t say the next thought he was thinking: _ Maybe I’ll have a chance to show you later this weekend. _

“Well, maybe you’ll have a chance to show me later this weekend.” 

The whoosh of the cars on the highway drowns out their flustered breathing. Ryan’s fingers are itching for his earbuds, but he doesn’t feel like he can move. The only thing he can think of is Shane saying “You’ve never kissed a guy before.” Maybe it isn’t smart, but he asks for information that might give him peace. “Did you not know I’ve dated guys before?”

“Did you tell me?” Shane sounds offended, but it’s only because of hope and stress fighting for dominance in his chest. “I would have remembered that. Like, for pride month and things like that.”

“I guess I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.” He centers himself, nervous but deciding to take a risk. “Besides, it’s hard to talk to people at work about it. I’m the only bi guy I know.” 

Shane doesn’t say anything. He feels like someone poured water over his head. He gets into the right lane and slows down to the speed limit. After a moment of reflection, he puts on cruise control. His long arms relax. 

Ryan is heartbroken that he didn’t get the correction he wanted. _ Oh no, hey, Ryguy, I’m bi too, don’t worry. _ “Look, I’m- I’m sorry if it changes your opinion of me but—“

_ “It doesn’t.” _ Shane corrects him too fast. It did change something about Shane’s perspective of him, but not what Ryan was worried about. “Don’t worry about that. I just didn’t know, and now I do.” _ There’s a chance? Do I want there to be a chance? _ Shane looks over at his passenger, who’s looking back at him, dark brown eyes wide and vulnerable, face flushed with worry.

_ I do. I do want a chance. _


	3. if i bleed, you'll be the last to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yet another story that would be several chapters shorter if the characters just talked to each other

The sun was well on its way to setting now, as the streetlights came on and turned the sky a shade of purple. Shane cycled through his thoughts again, trying to find a way to come to terms with himself, only to be interrupted by his passenger’s quiet snores. Ryan had pulled his hood up, pulled the strings tight, and curled up on his side. His face was red, his skin was wet, and his hair was unruly. Shane couldn’t tear his eyes away from the road for too long, but it was nice to see his friend so relaxed. He felt the instinct to sweep Ryan’s hair back into place, but fought it in the event that it could wake him up.

He felt bad for how he responded earlier– coming out was important, and it’s something deeply personal to someone. Ryan trusted him with something, and Shane responded with what probably looked like gay panic. He was going to have to do something to justify why he reacted like that, and he couldn't be honest and say it was because he thinks he has feelings for Ryan. He tried to recall the floaty, fuzzy feeling in his gut that surfaced when he found out. Where did that come from? How long had it been there? How strong were his feelings? How much of that is just fear of the unknown? Shane couldn’t be sure. He breathed a big sigh and messed up his hair. 

And then, how did _ Ryan _ feel? Ryan always played that cocky, arrogant attitude with him; there wasn’t a good way to tell. Shane searched through his recent memories and could find no real indication of feelings of anything other than friendship. And, besides, Shane has known Ryan for so long. He knows so much about Ryan. He knows which sweatshirt is Ryan’s favorite, he knows which basketball games he can and cannot text during, he knows what each of his different laughs mean, and he knows when Ryan likes someone. The last time Ryan brought a date to a movie night, Shane knew the girl was special to him from how loud he laughed at her jokes and the look in his eyes when she talked. Ryan was so hurt when she ghosted him, and Shane remembered how the only thing that cheered Ryan up was that one terribly done horror movie about a killer mermaid who lives in a well. Shane was pretty proud at how quickly Ryan went from moping to laughing based on his commentary. Shane's piece de resistance of cheering up his sad friend was their fake-fight over whether or not mermaids could be real, and if they were, could they live in a well? Shane doesn’t even remember what side he took, just that it was opposite Ryan’s and it made Ryan’s voice go really, really high. Shane smiled even thinking about it.

Shane was almost scared to even think about Ryan like that while Ryan slept a foot away, as if Ryan could somehow sense it in his dreams and would wake up suspicious. What if Ryan did start to suspect how Shane felt? Would he get kicked off Unsolved? Would Ryan stop talking to him outside of work? He turned the music up and tried to think of Jeremy and of the bachelor party.

——

The bar was not what Shane expected. It turned out the place was fully underground, and the only part of it that was visible was the stairs. That led to a good five minutes of circling the block searching until the little red sign caught his attention. In this time, Ryan began to stir.

Ryan rubbed his eyes and sat up, ratcheting up the seat. “Dude, I feel like I didn’t even sleep. I think I heard the GPS’s every instruction.”

“You were definitely snoring, so I respectfully disagree.”

“Oh man! Why didn’t you wake me if I was snoring!”

“Well, I mean it wasn’t like– it’s not like you were full on sawing logs or honking or playing the nose trumpet or anything, it was just snoring. I’ve heard you snoring, it’s not a big thing.”

“Okay, no, you could _ not _have heard me snoring before, because you’re always the one that falls asleep first and you straight-up sound like Chewbacca.”

“You know what? I’ll take that reassurance right back. You sound like a duck.”

“I do _ not–_”

“You wouldn’t know! You didn’t hear it. I could say you played the entirety of Mozart’s Moonlight Sonata in your sleep, and you would be none the wiser. I am telling you, your snoring sounds exactly like a quack. Like a little, sad little duckling having a dream." 

I am beginning to regret to this.“ Ryan pulled down the passenger’s side mirror and used it to fix his hair. He took a sip of water, cracked his neck, and rubbed his eyes again. "Are we ready to go in? Play like a happy couple who doesn't argue about ducks?”

“Baby, I was _ born _ ready.”

——

Jeremy is a tall, lanky man not unlike Shane himself. Unlike Shane, Jeremy’s long ginger hair was swept back in a messy bun that got messier the more he danced. By the time Shane and Ryan met up with him on the floor, Jeremy was two drinks deep and a little sweaty, but definitely the happiest Shane had ever seen him.

“My man! I didn’t think you’d come. Dude, I’m so fuckin’… I’m SO fuckin’ happy to see you.” When Jeremy grinned, a frenulum piercing glinted purple in the flashing lights.

“Hey, man, I’m happy to see you too. I almost didn’t come because I didn’t, uh, I didn’t even know you were engaged, my dude.” Shane’s tone was confused, but not accusatory.

“Yeah, I’m sorry.” Jeremy steadied himself, moving the conversation closer to a wall he could lean on. “I’ll— we will talk in a little bit, once everyone’s gotten their food and everything.” His eyes slid down to Ryan’s height, and he offered a hand. “Hey, man, I’m Jeremy, are you Ryan?”

“I am! I guess the big guy told you about me. Congrats, by the way.”

“Man, congrats to you guys! It’s so good that people can be who they want to be and love how they want to love now. I can’t believe you never told me you were gay.”

“Well, bisexual, but you get the general idea.” Shane rested his arm around Ryan’s shoulders, partially as a display of affection for Jeremy and also partially to comfort himself while he admitted it aloud for the first time. Having an arm around Ryan in a way that didn’t feel just friendly felt more natural than he thought it would. It reminded him of lazy mornings and heavy blankets. “It still isn’t easy, but we uhm, appreciate your support.”

“Yeah sure. I just want you to know I _ totally _ support you.” He briefly looked up and around the dance floor, spotting his guests congregating towards the center. “Oh, all drinks are on me, all food is on me, go nuts! I’ll catch up with you in a bit, ok?”

Shane just up-nodded and waved as Jeremy left them.

“You don’t wanna join them?” Ryan asked.

“I do,” Shane said earnestly. “I just, ah, think we need a drink first.” He flagged down a bartender and within minutes she had brought them two screwdrivers. They weren’t great quality, but they did the job.

“So what should I know about these guys?” Ryan’s taking a sip of his drink and noting the distance between their two bodies. He’s unsure if he wants to close the gap because it would be better to sell the lie or because he wants Shane’s arm around him again.

“Oh, just, ahh… Jeremy’s really cool, very funny, a great friend. Likes guitar, has a band whose name I can’t remember, something like Panda Disco Party.” Ryan raised his eyebrows and took another sip, but Shane continued. “Or at least he did in college. Brendan and Jackson are twins, and none of us are really sure if they like each other. The guy over there, hitting on the girl in the pink dress, has a girlfriend. The one who is really, really obscenely drunk is named Nick and he does that a lot.”

“They don’t really sound like— I mean the way you’re talking about them sounds like you don’t really want to be here.”

Shane scrunched up his face. “That’s not—Jere’s been there for me through some hard stuff. He’s a good guy. I find his choice in friends questionable. But they’re his friends, you know? They’re his boys. I’d never want to take that away from him.” He leans on the wall, looking down at his drink. “I can’t even remember what’s in a screwdriver. They brought me this before I could order anything else.”

“Sometimes they’ll have like a “house drink” they bring out for parties. Maybe Jeremy picked it. Also, all I remember is orange juice and some kind of alcohol, and that’s really just good enough for me.”

The congregation across the dance floor starts to migrate; clearly something was said and a direction was given. As the group walks by talking excitedly, Shane and Ryan give a shrug and fall in line behind them, grabbing new screwdrivers from the bar.

Following the group led to a cozy dining space with solid wooden benches and long wooden tables. The lights had been dimmed, the tables were decorated with real lanterns, and the walls were covered with whiskey brands and fairy lights. Each table had a bottle of whiskey, some kind of brand that neither boy had seen before. A wreath framed engagement pictures of Jeremy and Evelyn in the center wall. A member of the group pointed to it, laughed, and said "Gay." Jeremy punched him in the arm, and his party started to take seats on the long benches. 

Ryan and Shane slid down to the end of the line. Shane slumped back in his seat, starting to feel a sense of calm from his one drink. Why should he be worried? He's here with people he cares about, who care about him. Jeremy stepped to the front of the room and thanked everyone for coming, then started into a gratitude speech. His voice sounded earnest and soft to Shane's drunk ears, and while he wasn't listening very closely, Shane heard Jeremy stress how lucky he was and how much he loved his fiance. A smile crept over Shane's face. Maybe he really was happy with Evelyn. Maybe Shane was finally free of that relationship. Maybe now he could start to relax and just enjoy his time. He leaned his head against Ryan's, and Ryan put his hand on Shane's knee, which instantly made Shane feel warm and nervous again. 

"Seems like they're really in love," Ryan commented, and Shane thought he detected jealousy in his voice. Shane looked to his friend to reply, but lost the words. Ryan's face was flushed and rosy, and both his and Ryan's drinks had been finished. 

Shane's eyebrows went up in amusement. "Thirsty?"

The laugh that came out of Ryan was full-throated and hearty. "You could say that."

"Okay, scale of one to Jack Sparrow, where are you?" 

"Ohhhhh.... um, you know that one episode of Always Sunny where--" 

Shane laughed, cutting him off. "That bad? Ryan Steven Bergara, I had no idea you were such a lightweight. Can't wait to tell everybody at the office."

"Shut up, it's not like I--" 

"Trouble in paradise?" Jeremy appeared seemingly out of nowhere to sit beside the two of them. 

"No way," Ryan corrected, and scooted closer to Shane, tightly wrapping his arms around his pretend boyfriend. He ignored every little insecurity in the back of his mind saying he should be careful, saying he shouldn't make it look like it was easy to pretend to be in love with Shane. What was most important at this very moment was proving to Jeremy that he was wrong for being snarky. He couldn't remember why being careful even mattered to begin with. "See?" 

Jeremy laughed and Shane felt his face turn warmer. Ryan's grip loosened and his left hand slid down to hold Shane's right. Shane felt like he'd been shoved off a cliff. Ryan felt like he was doing something he should have been doing a long time ago. The fear he felt was present under everything, but far away, buried under probably six shots of vodka, and he'd be damned if he didn't take advantage of it.

Ryan thought about pulling Shane into the men's bathroom and confessing. Then he thought that the men's bathroom was the least romantic place in the world. And after that, he thought about how Shane was straight, and he promised himself he wouldn't waste his time on straight boys anymore. With a sinking feeling in his chest, he buried the thought and squeezed Shane's hand. He closed his eyes, mentally recording how Shane's hand fit into his and how rough the skin on his fingers felt. This was probably the last time he'd ever get to do this. Shane squeezed back, and Ryan almost cried.

"Hey, can I talk to you privately for a second?" Jeremy motioned for Shane to follow him.

"You okay here?" Shane asked Ryan in a hushed whisper, and when Ryan nodded, Shane left.

Ryan sat alone at the table and rubbed his eyes again. He took his phone out of his pocket and pretended to scroll through Instagram but nothing he looked at was registering in his brain. Scene after scene of Ryan picking a place and telling Shane everything he'd been feeling played over and over in his mind. He tried to count how many ways things would go wrong. He could confess, and then Shane would say he's straight. He could confess, and then Shane would say he's dating someone. He could confess, and Shane could look at him with big, stupid dark eyes filled with pity and try to comfort him, let him down easy and say "Hey, whoa there little guy, I'm flattered, but--" Ryan swallowed hard, fighting tears back again. What if things got awkward? What if Shane said it was okay but it wasn't, and they slowly stopped talking and Buzzfeed Unsolved fell apart and he had to replace Shane with fucking... Andrew or Curly or something. What would he tell fans? How would he deal with the premise of the show changing? 

And despite all this, Ryan was too aware of his own lips, thinking of how his tongue would feel against Shane's mouth. He hated himself for it. 

"Buddy?" Shane's had appeared, stooping to look Ryan in the face. His voice was both sudden and uncharacteristically soft, and it threw Ryan. "Hey, man, what's going on?"

Ryan didn't answer. His mouth opened to say something, but all he could think of was "I'm sorry," and that didn't seem right to say. 

Shane had no idea what had happened in the 15 minutes he was gone, but Ryan's cheeks were wet and his eyes were puffy and that was reason enough to be wary. "Do... Do you want to go back to the hotel?"

"Will you-- I don't want you to miss out on anything. I'll be fine."

Shane knew positively from that response that Ryan was about to damage his emotional health and he was _ not _ having it. "Well, I mean if it makes you feel any better, I kind of want to take off too. Jeremy only got--" Shane tried to think of a food Ryan couldn't stand-- "goat kebabs for the dinner."

"I thought you said there'd be chicken!"

"I never promised that for the bachelor party! Tomorrow at the reception there should be, and I quote, "options." Come on, I'll take you through a Wendy's."

A wave of relief washed over Ryan. He looked up to meet Shane's eyes.

"What? Is that okay?"

Ryan's glossy brown eyes held contact with Shane's. "Yeah, it is. I just... I want to say that I'm really lucky to have a friend like you."

Shane scoffed. "I know! Get in the car!"  
\---------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tune in next time for the horror story: "and there was only one bed!" bc in its truest form this fic is self-indulgent fluffy cuddly nonsense


	4. what doesn't kill me makes me want you more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short, cute lil fluff before the last chapter. there's only one bed and ryan is a sad drunk

In less than an hour after leaving the bar, Ryan was reclining in their hotel bed, red-faced and puffy-eyed, clutching a bag of an obscene amount of Wendy’s spicy nuggets. He shoved his hand in the bag and pulled out a single nugget, which he ate with an expression as if it was personally crafted for him by God himself. “Where’s– ah fuck,“ He frantically grabbed his drink, sucked down Dr. Pepper, and continued. "Dude, uh— wasn’t there supposed to be two beds?”

Shane sat his bags down and sighed hard, his will to stand escaping with his breath. He took his glasses off in one hand and rubbed his eyes with the other. “Are you telling me they only got us one bed." 

"Unless you see another one, yeah.”

Shane groaned. “ I don’t know why I didn’t think– When Jeremy said he’d get us a place to stay– Of course he would get us one bed, he thinks– Ry, I’m so sorry.”

Ryan cocked an eyebrow. “It’s not like we’ve never shared a bed before. Shouldn’t be a big deal.” Then something crossed his mind, and his skin went hot. “I mean unless it’s because you think it’d be weird and– Look, Just because I’m bi doesn’t mean that— that— that anything has to change between us, I’m still the same… the same guy I’ve been.” He bit his lip to keep his voice from cracking. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing Shane for this, of the awkwardness already starting to creep in before Shane even knew.

“Is that what this is about?” Shane forcefully untied and kicked off his shoes. He clambered onto the hotel bed, plopping into place on his back, next to Ryan. “Ryan, I don’t think differently of you. You’re my best friend. You could tell me you were legitimatey Night Night Bergara and I’d still share a bed with you. You could tell me you were running a Ponzi scheme and I’d still be here.”

Ryan just looked at Shane.

“I would. I would definitely ask for my share of the cash, but I would.”

Ryan laughed too loud at that, and his laugh rang in his own ears. He briefly checks in with his own head. How drunk is he right now? The whole room isn’t spinning, but it feels like it’s moving at least. The sound of the air conditioner humming drowned out most of his thoughts. That doesn’t happen often, so Ryan closed his eyes to enjoy it, and the silence in the room gave them both peace. A minute passes. Shane drank a couple swigs from the bottle of whiskey he stole off the table at the party.

“Where did you get that?” Ryan asks.

“Oh, I picked it up off the table from the party. Strong stuff, but actually not bad. Want a taste?”

Ryan obliges. Some time passes. Ryan munches on his nuggets. Once he notices his friend’s eyes are dry, Shane finally raises the question. “D’you want to talk about what happened back there?”

Ryan stops chewing. He swallows and rubs his eyes, then just covers his eyes with his hands. He takes a deep breath. “So let’s say that I have this _ friend. _ No— okay,” He scrambles to sit up. “What would you do if— ok, if you had a friend who— what advice would you give to someone who really, really likes someone they shouldn’t?”

“You like someone you shouldn’t? Like, “shouldn’t” how? Are we talking like, a 20 year age gap, incest, she’s your old babysitter…?”

“No, no no no no no, okay first of all it’s _ not _ me, and gross! Not like that! Not like, morally wrong, it’s just…” Ryan closed his eyes. “It would be bad for _ him _ to act on it and it wouldn’t go his way.”

Shane crossed his arms and glanced suspiciously at Ryan. _ Has Ryan always beem this bad at lying? _ “Bad for _ him _ how? And is he sure that would happen? Like, is _ he _ surer than sure that it would be bad to tell this person? Would he swear on something about it?”

“Well not… not like, 100% positive, but he’s pretty sure it would break his heart. And make some other things really hard for him.”

“Hm.” Shane focused his eyes on the texture of the ceiling, brows furrowed, arms still folded. “It’s hard because, well, I’m of the mind— I think that usually, it’s better to tell people how you feel. I don’t know this situation, but not… not telling someone you have feelings for them can really eat at you.” Shane shifted uncomfortably, unwilling to take his own advice. _ I’m too drunk, it’s too late, and he likes someone else, anyway. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. _ Shane took another drink from the whiskey bottle, trying to play off what he just said as casual drunken wisdom instead of accidental vulnerability.

Ryan sat with that for a second. The idea of saying “it’s you” made him want to walk into the ocean. The thought of never saying it made him want to jump off Goatman’s Bridge. He looked at Shane, who looked back, still sipping his whiskey. Shane set the bottle on the nightstand and sat up.

“I’m gonna go get ready for bed.”

—------------

By the time Shane had finished showering and putting on his pajama pants, Ryan had finished the bottle of whiskey. Shane walked out of the bathroom and rubbed his hair with his towel while looking around the room. The lights had been dimmed and Ryan was under the covers. Shane recognized the shirt Ryan had on as being Ryan's usual pajama shirt. Quieting his footsteps, Shane crept closer to the bed. The closer he got, the more clearly he coud hear Ryan's snores, and at this point, Shane was just happy his friend was able to calm down enough to sleep. Shane climbed into bed and laid on his back. Even without touching, he could feel how warm Ryan’s sleeping body was, and it made his breath catch.

Shane plugged his phone in and unlocked it. The blue light of lit up Shane’s face, which he sneered at, and he immediately turned the brightness down. He opened Twitter.

Shane heard the sound of sheets shifting around bare skin and glanced at his friend, who had moved closer. Ryan’s head was off the pillow now. Shane tried to move the pillow back under his head, but Ryan’s unconscious was not accepting it. Shane went back to scrolling and watched a video of a cat breaking into someone’s house, which made him laugh. Then Shane felt something around his waist.

He lifted his phone, frowning, to see that Ryan had thrown an arm around Shane’s stomach and was holding him like a stuffed animal. Shane didn’t move. This meant he is presented with a choice to make: to spare Ryan’s dignity and move him, or feign ignorance, enjoy the moment, and embarrass Ryan when he wakes up. As much as he loved the feeling in his chest right now, he started to pry at Ryan’s hand.

But Shane was met with resistance. Ryan pressed his arm harder into Shane’s hips and his hand grabbed at the small of Shane’s back. In one move, Ryan rested his head on Shane’s bare chest and pulled him closer by his torso. They were intertwined now, and any movement Shane made could wake Ryan. Very slowly, heart beating hard in his throat, Shane locked his phone and placed it on the nightstand. He folded his hands on his chest, fear in his eyes, and looked down at his friend.

Shane couldn’t see his face, but he could see Ryan’s steady breaths as the comforter rose and fell. The snoring subdued, replaced by the sound of the air conditioner’s hum. Shane delicately placed his outstretched palm on Ryan’s shoulder. The cotton of his T-shirt felt soft from repeated washes. Shane steadied his own shaky breathing by matching Ryan’s breaths, and soon enough, he had slipped under.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's too far into october


	5. i don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane and Ryan attend the wedding of Evelyn and Jeremy.

Sunlight crept into the room, peeking through windows and grazing Ryan’s face. When he opened his eyes, Shane was no longer beside him. Groggily he turned his head to scan the room, and found Shane on the couch flipping channels on the TV. “Took you long enough,” Shane teased, ankles crossed over the other on the coffee table. “You know I went to bed after you, right?”

Ryan did. He remembered falling asleep to the sound of the shower running, hazy and dizzy and sick. Then, as he looked at Shane in his pajamas, he remembered something else: waking up in the small hours of the morning to discover that instead of the warm pillow he thought he was cuddling, he was holding Shane. And Shane was letting him. The confusion on his face must have shown because Shane spoke again: “You alright, bud?”

“No, yeah! Just, you know, trying to remember what I can about last night.”

“Do you remember asking for 40 spicy nuggets from Wendy’s? Or that I bought you 40 spicy nuggets from Wendy’s? And then you didn’t eat them and I didn’t even complain about it? Because I did do that and I think you should remember that I did that.” Shane leaned back into the couch cushions.

Ryan sat up and rubbed his forehead, half to wake up and half out of frustration. “Why, so you can hold it over me and request a favor ten years down the line?”

Shane shrugged. “Maybe one day I need a kidney.”

“You are not getting my kidney.”

“I’d get _ you _ a kidney.”

“_ A _ kidney? Not yours? Where— I’m almost scared to ask, where are you getting the kidney?”

“You know what? That’s not important. You know what’s important?“

“Shane, did you take me out here to steal my kidneys?”

“I– Yes, the spicy nuggets make it more valuable. Goes for more on the black market if there’s some nugs in ya.”

Ryan laughed. “Can you imagine? Like, ‘ah, darn, this one only had normal nuggets.’” He checked his phone on the nightstand. Not much going on, a news notification, a single message from TJ he could answer later. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry, what’s important?”

“Okay, so,” Shane sat up and forward, elbows on his knees. “The ceremony is in 2 hours. That is just barely enough time for you to shower and gel your hair or whatever you need to do.”

Ryan glanced in the mirror across the room. His grey T-shirt was wrinkled and his hair made him look like a startled parrot. “I thought I would go like this. I thought that might be fun.”

Shane chucked a tiny bottle of shampoo at Ryan. It went sailing past his head and hit the hotel bed. “Shower! It’s good for you!”

“Why did you have that!” Ryan, sleep-deprived and laughing, looked for something to throw back.

“We don’t have time for me to explain! Shower!” Shane exclaimed and chucked the hotel conditioner at the bed. Ryan protected his face but did not catch it. 

“I’m going, I’m going!” He picked up the bottles and flung off the covers, standing barefoot on the carpeted floor. Shane watched Ryan mess up his hair in the mirror the way someone would look at the stars. Shane couldn’t help thinking he would love to see Ryan this way more often, that kind of vulnerability and tenderness that he doesn’t always get to see. Rumpled T-shirt, messed up hair, sleepy eyes… it would be okay waking up to that more than just once or twice a season. The sound of clothing hitting a tile floor punctuated his thoughts, and as the shower turned on, Shane forced his attention to the news.

———

“This is high fancy. This is almost too fancy.” Ryan’s eyebrows shot up, taking in the view of the mansion as it sat atop the grassy hill. Beautiful marble columns supported the entrance and it was expertly framed with greenery, stone, and string lights. “Is that rude to say? I feel like that’s rude to say.”

“No, ‘Too Fancy’ is Evelyn’s taste exactly.” Shane shrugged. “Not that there’s really anything wrong with that. If you can afford it. You know, if it’s your wedding, it’s your wedding. Go nuts, you know?”

Ryan dug the heel of his dress shoe into the dirt. “Yeah, if it was my day, and I could do it, I think I’d go fancy, too. I’d do all the nice dressings and everything.“ He squinted against the sunlight. “This is a really nice location, actually.”

“Think it’s haunted?”

“Building this old? I think it’s likely.” Ryan eyed the cracks in the window shutters in particular. “Hey, is this gonna be weird?”

“Huh?”

“I’m not going to have to, like, defend your honor to your ex, am I?”

That made Shane laugh. “No, no, don’t worry. Jeremy and I talked it through last night. Evelyn is in therapy and is definitely more stable than she’s ever been. She used to— hoo, boy, she used to not be, but according to Jer she probably won’t even blink at us.”

“Huh. Well, that’s good, at least.”

“Yeah, you know, like… people can change. Plus, she was– I mean this was so, so many years ago, I’m sure both of us have grown up since we were 23.”

The statement hung in the air for a moment while the boys checked the time on their phones. Faintly, the sound of gentle piano music wafted over the mansion, obscuring the sounds of the birds chirping. Both of the boys raised their eyebrows. “I think that’s our cue.”

—-

The ceremony took place outside, but they had all of the amenities: a grand piano with a pianist, pretty pastries, somewhat-nice guest chairs, a gorgeously decorated altar, and a complimentary table of champagne and wine for guests. 

“Fancy!” Ryan mouthed at Shane, wide-eyed and Shane could only nod and mouth back “I told you.” They picked up half-full glasses of wine and took them to their assigned seats. The gentle piano playing continued on, until it didn’t, and a pre-recorded song by Sarah Bareilles burst through the speakers. The groom and the bridal party walked down and to the stage. Shane took careful stock of Jeremy’s facial expression and demeanor, and was pleasantly surprised to notice that the bundle of nerves in front of him appeared more happy than exhausted– though, he could tell that Jeremy had been sweating in his suit. The song changed to a swelling instrumental, and all heads turned to the door. In time with the music, the bride sauntered out of the church, tears in her eyes, smiling wide. Her medium-length brown hair was adorned with a crown of roses and her lips were just as red to match. Shane didn’t think he’d ever seen her so happy. He remembered seeing her crying on the bathroom floor over a broken heart, remembered watching her expressions harden when she went out in public, remembered only seeing her smile when she laughed. To see her so content, with her feet under her… it made him more emotional than he thought he would be. He didn’t even hear the speech the priest gave.

“Do you have your vows?”

Jeremy nodded, pulling a note from his jacket. “Ev, you are the most precious and loving person I have ever known. No one has a wit like you do, no one can make me laugh as hard, and no one will ever make me feel the way that you do. Over the years, you’ve proven to me how wonderful it is to love you. With you in my life, I’ve been able to grow and change for the better. You’re my best friend and I can’t believe I didn’t realize how much I loved you until that day at the Bowling For Soup concert.”

“Are they still touring?” Ryan whispered to Shane.

“I think so,” Shane returned.

“Still?”

“I think so,” Shane echoed. 

Evelyn began, tears streaming down her face– miraculously, however, her makeup remained immaculate. “Jer, I never used to believe in a love that lasts forever. I never used to believe in a sustainable love that is helpful and supportive and strong, where it won’t snap when the wind blows on it. I thought I could never have a love strong enough that I’d feel comforted by a partner instead of nervous.” She choked on her last word and wiped her eye. A few loud sniffles were heard in the audience. “Loving you is the best thing I’ve ever done. There’s nothing more beautiful than a love that loves you back, a love that sees you for the human that you are, a love that even loves the things they hate about you.”

Shane was very aware of the tickle in his nose, and he looked to his friend to see if Ryan was noticing. Ryan, on the other hand, sat stoic with his jaw tight. He would have looked neutral if his eyes weren’t red and his cheeks weren’t wet. Shane wordlessly placed a hand on Ryan’s thigh.

——

Once the ceremony was over, the venue had to be rearranged and organized for the reception. Jeremy, grinning and holding the hand of his beloved, added quickly to his guests that the bar would be reopened for about 30 minutes or so and hor douevres would be provided while this change took place. Without announcement, an impromptu line began to form in front of the couple as everyone prepared to deliver congratulations. Ryan gave Shane a questioning look, to which Shane responded with a nod, and they joined their place in line.

Quickly the line became less of a line and more of a crowd as the populous shifted their attention from the bride and groom to their own companions and chatted up each other.

“Congratulations!” Shane held out a hand to shake Jeremy’s, pulling him into a hug, while Ryan congratulated Evelyn. “And congrats to you,” he looked to Evelyn, who kept a polite, closed-mouth smile back at him. “You guys– I’m really rooting for you. I’m– I’m so happy you’ve found each other.”

“Coming from you!” Evelyn perked up, her smile showing teeth now. “That means so, so much to me, really, thank you! I thought- I was so worried you would just hate this and hate both of us instead of just me and– that’s just not what I wanted for Jer Bear, because you guys are so close.”

“Jer Bear told me, no worries,” A smug smile rested on his lips. He was gonna text Jeremy about that later. “I– You know, don’t even worry about it. I firmly believe that, uh, if you find someone who’s good for you, as good for you as Jeremy is, you have to keep it. And anyone who doesn’t see that and doesn’t support it is an idiot.” 

Ryan, in perfect-boyfriend mode, patted Shane on the back. He silenced his nerves and did what felt natural to be a fake boyfriend, which was put his arm around Shane’s waist. Shane’s dress shirt was thin enough that Ryan could feel the skin under it, and Ryan tried to accept that he’d never feel Shane’s hips bare.

Evelyn leaned on Jeremy, who placed a hand on her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. “That looks like what you’ve got, too, with–?”

“Ryan! I’m so sorry, I forgot to introduce you.” Shane smiled an involuntary, sad smile that he tried to correct to joy. He rested his arm around Ryan’s shoulders, all pins and needles. “And, well, this one’s a good one. I hope this thing we’ve got sticks around a while.” Ryan’s breath caught and he shoved the butterflies back down his digestive system. The soft, gravelly way he said that made Ryan feel as though he was wrapped in a heavy quilted blanket in the fall. Nervous as he was, he couldn’t stop smiling. He rested his head against Shane’s shoulder.

Evelyn’s red-lipped smile held unbridled joy as she looked up at Jeremy. “This one, too.”

Ryan melted into Shane, every muscle relaxing against his torso. Shane accepted this tenderness the way you would accept being given a free cup of coffee: unexpected, but grateful. While Ryan thought, _ I should enjoy this while it lasts, _ Shane was thinking,_ I can’t believe I’ll never feel this again. _

At that moment Jeremy and Evelyn were called away to sign the marriage certificate.The brief interruption pulled the boys away from each other. They stayed quiet until Shane quietly cleared his throat and said he needed to use the restroom.

——

Returning from the bathroom, Shane picked an hors d’ouevre off a butler’s tray and meandered through the hall. From the taste of it— because he didn’t look before shoving it in his mouth— the finger food was probably some kind of ham and cheese concoction shoved into savory dough. Which, now that he thought of it, was really just a pizza roll with a toothpick in it. The cynic in him wondered how much that single pizza roll cost Evelyn’s parents, and the realist in him decided he didn’t want to know because he did not want to be sad.

Strangely, the groom’s party was nowhere to be found. Shane assumed he’d be able to find one or two of the group at the bar on their fourth drink, but it looked like they had practically vanished, including Jeremy’s parents. Instead, Shane found he was wading through an ocean of wedding guests like himself. A butler crossed his path offering whiskey, and Shane accepted a glass.

The sea parted, and when Shane adjusted his glasses he saw Ryan, pink-cheeked, talking with an objectively pretty female guest. Shane’s breath caught, and was released. Ryan’s right hand was holding a glass of Pinot and his left was in his pocket, looking more relaxed than he’d looked this whole trip. The girl he stood with relayed a story with exaggerated hand movements that Shane couldn’t follow. Ryan sipped on his wine, watching his companion and then it happened. Ryan’s eyes softened, full of trust and admiration for this woman, and his laugh went too loud and too high.

Shane saw. He could hear nothing else and could see nothing else. A thousand times before he watched Ryan develop feelings for someone and he never wanted to see it again. His blood went hot, filled with some kind of energy he couldn’t explain— all he could think of was stopping this. All he could think of was the time he would waste hearing about the two of them for months or years. All he could think of was how much time he had already wasted. This was enough. This was urgent.

Shane knocked back his whiskey and crossed the room.

“Hey,” More nerves than man, Shane waved to Ryan’s acquaintance and then turned his attention.

Ryan’s glossy brown eyes looked up at him and a polite smile rested on his lips. Ryan responded, “What’s up, big guy?”

“Yeah! So, Ryan, can I— can I talk to you for a second?” Shane motioned for Ryan to follow him, and Ryan obliged, leaving his drink on a nearby table. It took some effort to navigate leaving the room, but Shane’s decisiveness ensured they made it to a hallway quickly. Shane scanned his options and pointed to an open door. Inside the room, piles of extra tables and chairs, centerpieces, and tablecloths towered over them, covering almost every available square foot. There wasn’t much space to stand, but Ryan set upright two chairs that were overturned and sat in one. Shane closed the door behind them.

“What, am I being sent to the principal’s office?” Ryan donned a disarming toothy smirk that would have looked more confident if he wasn’t so drunk.

Shane did not answer and did not sit down. “You know how I said it’s always better to tell people—“ Shane ran his hands through his hair, closing his eyes. His heart was beating _ so _ fast. “And look, it’s okay if something— you don’t have to— I just, yknow, I have to say that—“ _ Why is this so hard? _

Hope fluttered in Ryan’s chest. He could not believe what it looked like. Shane, blushing and pacing, stumbling over his words about telling someone something in a glorified broom closet? He couldn’t allow himself to think that way. It was probably bad news. Maybe whatever TJ was texting him about. _ What if he’s going to tell me he doesn’t want to work together anymore? _

“Okay. Okay. Okay.” Shane took a deep breath. “Remember when you told me you were bi? I think I kind of brushed you off a little bit there and I didn’t _ mean _ to it’s just that I’ve been— I’ve _ also _ been– I’m trying to say I think that I am too.”

_ Oh! _ Ryan felt sick. “Oh, buddy, for real? That’s great! Or, well I guess it might be not great if like— how, how, how, how are you, how are you feeling about it?” _ Oh, that’s all it is. That’s all it is. This somehow feels worse than thinking he’s straight. _

Shane ignored the question, wringing his hands and pushing up the sleeves of his dress shirt. “I want you to know that you are the only person I’ve told. And I want to t— fuck, I want to tell you first because, _ fuck– _”

“Because I’m your friend?” 

“No!” Shane’s hair was starting to fall out of its coif, pieces of it falling into his face. “ I mean, _ I guess, _ but— because, because, I think I…. want to be more.” There it was. It’s out now. No taking that back.

Ryan could not believe his earthly ears. “More than— more than friends?”

Shane whimpered, and, defeated, finally sat in his chair, head lagging over the back and staring at the ceiling. Saying his feelings directly out loud was one of his least favorite experiences, and it wasn’t helping that Ryan’s incredulous response sounded so hesitant. “Yeah. I can’t— I’ve already said it now, I can’t take it back, but yeah, I think I… I have feelings for you. And they’re– I can’t ignore them now.” His voice cracked and he could feel his eyes getting wetter. He knew there wasn’t much time before the dam burst. “And it’s totally okay if you don’t want to work with me anymore, you can find someone to replace me, you’re within your rights to do that, I’ll stay home when our friends go out so you don’t have to—“

Ryan rose out of his chair so fast it fell over with a loud thump. Before Shane could register what was happening, Ryan was straddling him in his lap, their faces an inch apart, and Ryan’s hand rested on Shane’s cheek. “Shane. I need you to tell me right now. If you’re messing with me I will hate you forever.” His breath smelled of white wine and it made Shane feel dizzier.

“I’m not messing with you. I wouldn’t do that. Not about this.” Shane looked up at his friend, eyes glossy from tears, and Ryan held his gaze. Shane saw Ryan’s eyes flick down.

Ryan hooked his hand around the back of Shane’s head and pulled him into a kiss, hard. For a few minutes, all that could be heard was the sound of their breaths, and for a few moments, that was all that existed in this world. Shane tentatively placed his arms around Ryan, one hand snaking up Ryan’s spine and the other resting on the small of his back. Ryan responded to that, breathing in hard and grinding his hips closer. Shane could not believe his luck. “How long have you—?”

“Too long,” Ryan murmured, pressing kiss after kiss into Shane’s jaw. He didn’t even mind the stubble. Shane‘s hand slid off Ryan’s back to hold his jaw with just two fingers. His other hand found a home on Ryan’s hip, where he tugged the hem of Ryan’s button-down untucked and rested his hand on bare skin. Ryan couldn’t hold him tight enough, and his knuckles turned white around Shane’s shoulder. Shane gently turned Ryan’s face to meet his lips with Shane’s own, and Ryan returned it with desperation, leaning into him with such force that the chair tipped over backward, taking both of them down with it. They immediately broke out into laughter, and for a moment, they lie there on the floor holding each other.

Ryan spoke first, cradling Shane’s jaw in his hand. “So, if it wasn’t obvious, I’m definitely not replacing you.

"Good. We have ghosts to not find.” Shane kissed Ryan’s cheek.

“ You’re not getting rid of me that easy. I’m with you till you see one yourself.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a promise.”

\----

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween!

**Author's Note:**

> @ashyanusername on tumblr!


End file.
